Why 'Triggers' May Not Be What You Expect

Opening the lens on the meaning of triggers.

Photo by MIOPS Trigger on Unsplash

I confess that I’m someone who waits a long time to give something a particular meaning. Sometimes it takes considered repetition, the turning over and over of a particular word, scenario or instance for me to ‘assign’ meaning to it, and even then I remain open to shifting.

Trigger finally found a home in me when I heard Dr. Gabor Mate’s take on it. His view in essence is: [when we consider a weapon, picture a gun, the trigger is the smallest part of that weapon. The danger is in the explosive material inside the gun that causes the damage. Just like when someone “triggers” us by a word, phrase, etc., the trigger is not about them, it’s about us. The trigger is our explosive material reflecting unhealed wounds within us and unresolved emotions. We can invite in healing when we stop and ask ourselves, ‘What is this moment trying to teach me’?]

I understand that this is difficult, and many people do not want to hear this. There was a time in my life where I definitely wouldn’t have heard it. My wounds were so great they simply wouldn’t let me take it in. I don’t believe it is right to judge someone based on their pain, that is an uncompassionate way to live. Yet, we need to be compassionate to ourselves, too. How do we resolve this dichotomy?

I believe the resolution is one that is individual to each human. I think a one size fits all approach does not adequately account for people who have consistently harmed themselves by not considering their own needs in any space or time. Inviting harm to ourselves through someone else’s struggle is not wisdom.

Now, I’m going to say the word that makes people roll their eyes: Boundaries.

But, bear with me, please. Many people don’t actually know what boundaries are or how to implement them. How do I know this? I talk with a lot of people.

Many people view boundaries as either a wall or a demand. A true boundary is neither. Boundaries are all about us, and not about someone else.

Think of boundaries as a semi-permeable membrane in front of you. Boundaries are meant to let the good, in, and keep the bad, out. When we assert our boundary, it is always about what we will do or not do, not about what another will or will not. We cannot control others, we can only control ourselves. We don’t demand people behave a certain way, we only state what will happen if they continue to do so. Then, it is up to us to hold our own boundary by completing said action. There’s a sticky part, though: boundaries can be really threatening and dangerous to those with abandonment wounds or who have experienced a lot of loss. People who have experience with these things find boundaries more dangerous than not having any.

Boundaries, like triggers, reveal a lot about our wounding. If someone has few or no boundaries, there is a distinct reason why, and it is inside them.

If any or all of this sounds depressing, I understand. The truth is rarely pleasant, but that doesn’t make it less true.

The road to resolving our ‘explosive material’ is a deep look inside.

I believe that pain has something to teach us. Pain is a road map, and if we follow it, we learn a great deal about ourselves. This takes courage, energy and the willingness to shift. Not everyone is ready. That is also a truth we need to see.